The six step Model- the ‘Secrets of Relating’
Evelyn M Field, OAM developed the model following the loss of a child. It is a very simple, evidence-based model, originally designed to help shy children and adults improve their social skills but now useful at home, work or socially, for those with anxiety, stress, depression and trauma and for those who want to improve their social connectivity and mental wellbeing.
- It is based upon the notion that we are human beings and that we need to belong to a tribe and relate to a variety of members of the tribe, although we need to know how to deal with challenging people, we basically need to know need to connect and relate, not threaten or attack.
- We need to be friendly and empathic but if we are being threatened then we need to defuse conflict and protect ourselves. then we can be respected, not considered a threat.
- Evelyn uses the butterfly for many different reasons, but it allows you to visualise the six main secrets to develop.
- Many of these secrets are based upon solid psychological theory.
- The remainder come from many years of psychological practice and studying the social behaviour of her dogs. If dogs can do practice these behaviours, so can anyone.
Evelyn M Field’s unique model – the ‘Secrets of Relating’
Secret 1. Identify and manage your feelings – Your feelings are part of your survival instinct. They influence how you behave and what you say and do. You need to identify, quantify and release your feelings so that you can become assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive. You can also use your gut instinct to protect yourself.
Secret 2. Understand the reasons why you or the other person behaves the way they do – You need to understand why things happened, and perhaps why the other person treated you in the way they did. You don’t have to blame yourself or anyone else, which makes you powerless, instead, just work out what you need to change to become empowered.
Secret 3. Most people need to maintain positive self-esteem – Everyone needs good self-esteem to be valued, motivated and successful. If you are affected by abuse , denigration or bullying your self-esteem will be low. You need to build your self-esteem so that you have the energy to protect yourself and make a group of good friends who will protect you from difficult people and obtain help from others.
Secret 4. Social beings require effective verbal and non-verbal communication skills – this communication skills recipe involves using your body language, voice and the right words. When you use these skills you can block difficult people, obtain respect, make real friends and develop respectful connections.
Secret 5. Develop your own Power pack to manage challenging people – There are difficult and mean people around, there are even more who are just having a bad day. Despite what someone told you, even if you are nice to everyone, they won’t always be nice to you. You need to protect yourself and block all sorts of nasty behaviours including bullying.
Secret 6. Build your own social support network – like the animal world, everyone needs intimate and wider networks to give them support and protection. You need a close bunch of good friends, and you need to know who else in you wider support network can help you.