The evidence
is clear. Like a pride of lions, group of meerkats, birds flocking
together or fish swimming in a school, people with a support network
cope better with all issues - from help with school work, socialising
at sport, finding a job for a mate, being with friends for fun, supporting
friends through stress, loss, illness, trauma. People with friends
have a better self esteem and cope better with the trials of life
of any stage. They are less likely to be stressed, angry or depressed.
Having a close supportive family falls into the same category.
Clearly, the art of being able to socialise with all
types of people, create close connections and maintain them is the
art of survival. It was necessary when we all lived in tribes and
is even more vital now that we live in boxes, work in boxes and even
drive in boxes. Our connections with others are severely restricted.
Then why did it become a problem?
- When ever there is an industrial revolution people move away
from their villages into the cities. The same pattern is still
being repeated around the world as people search for a better life.
- After World War 1 and 2 people moved in huge numbers away from
their families of origin. Many moved overseas. The extended family
lost its power and stopped meeting together regularly.
- After World War 2 the nuclear family took over. Even this has
been eroded by divorce, remarriage, unusual working hours, the
need for family chauffeuring, television meals, takeaway food etc.
- The most recent blow to family life has come with the electronic “blah
blah” age. Although we gain wonderful machinery to help us
at home and at work, it reduces communication to a few thumb moves,
an email or chat room. Children are stuck in front of screen instead
of socialising with family, neighbour or peers. At work people
email rather than walk a few steps. Friends text and misconstrue.
- Thus for many people being with their family means a toxic two
hours at Christmas, Easter or thanksgiving.
Fortunately there are a variety of groups of families,
who live close by for religious or traditional cultural reasons.
They demonstrate how we used to communicate when we lived in tribes.
Although everyone has their story about difficult members, attention
seeking children and so on, the tribe is our basic survival support
network. It nurtures and protects us.
- People who don’t grow up with close family or friends may
lose the ability to relate to others. They don’t know how
to communicate or connect. They are less likely to develop emotional
and social resilience.
- Although we know about shy children or adults or those with social
difficulties, many people are losing the art of saying what they
think, feel and want without alienating, stressing or abusing others.
- The result is that at school, home or the workplace poor communication
skills are handicapping people ‘s interactions with others.
Evelyn Field developed the model, the ‘Secrets
of Relating’ following the loss of a child. It is a very simple
model, originally designed to help shy children and adults improve
their social skills.
- It is based upon the notion that we need to relate, not threaten
or attack.
- We need to be friendly and empathic but if we are being threatened
then we need to defuse conflict and protect ourselves.
- Evelyn uses the butterfly for many different reasons, but it
allows you to visualise the six main secrets to develop.
- Many of these secrets are based upon solid psychological theory.
- The remainder come from many years of psychological practice
and studying the social behaviour of her dogs.
- Feelings - Your feelings influence how you behave and what you
say and do. You need to identify, quantify and release your feelings
so that you can become assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive.
You can also use your gut instinct to protect yourself.
- Reasons – You need to understand why things happened,
and perhaps why the other person treated you in the way they did.
You don’t have to blame yourself or anyone else, which makes
you powerless, instead, just work out what you need to change to
become empowered.
- Self esteem- Everyone needs good self-esteem to be valued, motivated
and successful. If you are affected by bullying your self-esteem
will be low. You need to build your self esteem so that you have
the energy to protect yourself and make a group of good friends
who will protect you from difficult people and obtain help from
others.
- Communication skills – the communication recipe involves
using your body language, voice and the right words. When you use
these skills you can block bullies, obtain respect and make real
friends.
- ‘Power pack’ – There are difficult and mean
people around, there are even more who are just having a bad day.
Despite what someone told you, even if you are nice to everyone,
they won’t always be nice to you. You need to protect yourself
and block meanness and bullying.
- 6. Support network – like the animal world, everyone needs
intimate and wider networks to give them support and protection.
You need a close bunch of good friends, and you need to know who
else can help you.
|
