The Model

Evelyn Field developed the model, the 'Secrets of Relating' following the loss of a child. It is a very simple model, originally designed to help shy children and adults improve their social skills. It is now used with severely injured children and adults.

  • It is based upon the notion that we need to relate, not threaten or attack.
  • We need to be friendly and empathic but if we are being threatened then we need to defuse conflict and protect ourselves. then we can be respected, not considered a threat.
  • Evelyn uses the butterfly for many different reasons, but it allows you to visualise the six main secrets to develop.
  • Many of these secrets are based upon solid psychological theory.
  • The remainder come from many years of psychological practice and studying the social behaviour of her dogs. If they can do it or change their behaviours, so can anyone.

Evelyn's unique model - the 'Secrets of Relating'

Feelings - Your feelings influence how you behave and what you say and do. You need to identify, quantify and release your feelings so that you can become assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive. You can also use your gut instinct to protect yourself.

Reasons - You need to understand why things happened, and perhaps why the other person treated you in the way they did. You don't have to blame yourself or anyone else, which makes you powerless, instead, just work out what you need to change to become empowered.

Self-esteem - Everyone needs good self-esteem to be valued, motivated and successful. If you are affected by bullying your self-esteem will be low. You need to build your self-esteem so that you have the energy to protect yourself and make a group of good friends who will protect you from difficult people and obtain help from others.

Communication skills - the communication recipe involves using your body language, voice and the right words. When you use these skills you can block bullies, obtain respect and make real friends.

'Power pack' - There are difficult and mean people around, there are even more who are just having a bad day. Despite what someone told you, even if you are nice to everyone, they won't always be nice to you. You need to protect yourself and block meanness and bullying.

Support network - like the animal world, everyone needs intimate and wider networks to give them support and protection. You need a close bunch of good friends, and you need to know who else can help you.